For the

husbands

looking for a healthy marriage

Hi, Tom Dau here. This is your free resource, 3 important things every husband needs to know if his wife has been sexually abused.

Number one, it’s not your fault. That’s something you have to understand. It’s not your fault or their mood swings that you’re noticing with your wife. Are there behaviors that you do? Are there little things that go on that trigger her that you just don’t understand? It just don’t make sense to you. I lived with that for so many years, years into our marriage. When we didn’t even know Vicki had been sexually abused yet, and things I would do, things that would trigger her; a touch on the arm. It can be really obscure sometimes because of what has happened to your wife. There are times when I would whistle and that would trigger her and send her into a funk that was hard for her to get out of.

And it would just be like a light switch going off. She would be in a good mood and then I would start whistling or maybe it’s an odor that comes around or you walk by your wife and you just brush her shoulder and it’s not at the right time. And that sends a trigger to her that sends her back into the memories of her abuse. And for years, I didn’t understand what was going on. And I thought, what am I doing? What have I done wrong? What’s causing this to happen? Or trying to have a conversation and just certain word you might use or phrase you might use, or the way you’re sitting may cause something unheard of to be triggered and send her in a place that’s uncomfortable.

And I used to think over and over again, what did I do wrong? And it would be frustrating. And then she wouldn’t be wanting to talk about it. And I would feel isolated. I understand what’s going on, but it’s not your fault. And that’s, what’s important for you to understand the dynamic of what has happened to your wife has created a new reality that you’re going to have to learn to live with. And that’s what I want to share with you. And so first and foremost, in these three important things is the idea of what’s going on at the core. Isn’t your fault. So to build from there is going to be what’s important to you and what we can talk about at a later point, but just knowing that what has happened, isn’t your fault. And it’s something now that you can work on and work from.

It’s important for you to know number two, and this is super, super important. She needs you, your wife needs you. A woman, at least in our experience, for my wife, when she was sexually abused, she was alone. She was not supported. There was a breakdown in her family. When she came out with the news, there was no support. When she tried to say, “Hey, I’ve been hurt.” No one came to her rescue. Your wife needs you and needs you so badly. Probably more than she even knows. So support is so important. And what that means is you’re going to have to be patient. You’re going to have to be understanding, knowing that she has been through something so horrible, and yes, it affects you. And I get that and it hurts me. And it hurts you to see our wives going through pain. And when they’re triggered by something, it’s so difficult at times to know that we can’t just reach out and make it better.

And we’ll talk more in more detail about how to make growth happen from that and how to make healing happen from that. But for now, you need to understand that she needs an Oak tree. She needs you to trust her, to believe her because probably people haven’t, that is so important for you to understand. You need to show and verbalize by your every presence that you can, that you support her, that you believe her so that she can trust you, because she can very possibly not be able to trust anyone else and you’re that final person. You’re the one, the stabilizer for her that she needs so badly right now. Trust in you, trust and belief from her to you, that she believes that you believe what happened to her and trust that she’s telling you the truth and that you support her in it, and that you will defend her in it.

She needs your trust. She needs your help. She needs your support. You’ve got to be that Oak tree for her. Be her strength because no one else has. And as you move forward, you may find that more and more people may question it or may pull back from you. And that’s even more when you need to continue to be that strong tree for her, the cement, the whatever you want to call it, her rock. You need to be the strength that she has to fall back on because there may not be that anywhere else.

Number three, don’t try to fix it all the time. I always tried to fix what was going on whenever she was triggered by something, whenever it Vicki had a hard time or a situation was going on, I would immediately because I’m a guy and I’m wired that way. And I do that for a living. I tried to fix it. I found, and it took years. And that’s why I want to share this with you so that maybe it doesn’t take you years. Like it did me. It took me years to understand that I just need to shut up sometimes. So many times, our wives who have been sexually abused need to just be able to talk to us and have that conversation from them to us, be one where we’re going to sit and we’re going to listen. And they know they can share everything with us because we’re not going to judge them. We’re going to simply listen. We’re going to let them speak. They know they can trust us. They know they can believe us. They know we’re going to be strong for them and in doing so, they can get those things out of their system and allow themselves to start healing because they know they can share what’s going on with us.

Our wives need to know that when they want to talk, when they need to talk, that we’re not going to be there to judge, we’re not going to be there to try to fix. We’re going to be there to listen, just listen to them and let them air their feelings, let them cry. And don’t just be the strong tree, their rock , their someone. The main person, the main person is you. You’re going to be, and you are her, everything. You are her everything through this. So don’t try to fix it all the time. There’ll be plenty of time to be able to work and grow and fix and heal. But more often than not, our wives just need us to be quiet and to listen, knowing that we trust them, we believe them or not going to judge them. And we support them fully in everything they’re telling us.

I hope you found these three important things helpful for you. If you found it helpful, you will love the short little book I wrote, Hey, I’m a guy I don’t like to sit and read. Some guys do, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I wanted to write something short and poignant with more detail about what more we can do as husbands to heal ourselves, our relationship, and to build strong our relationship with our wife and for you to know that there is absolutely green grass as you move forward. And there are higher places and better places, and you are not stuck in a place that’s always going to be difficult. There’s going to be times, but you know what? There is so much beauty in the healing that goes beyond this and so much goodness, and how your relationship is going to grow. I did. And I did write another short book. If you like it, click below. It’s called a survival guide for a husband whose wife has been sexually abused. If you like what I’ve shared with you so far, click the button below to order your copy.

A Husband's Pledge to His Wife

Your wife has a history of past sexual abuse and you are struggling and don’t know what to do. If you want to improve things for yourself and her, I invite you to read the pledge and commit to loving your wife through the journey of creating YOUR extraordinary marriage.

To My Precious Wife.

I love you.

Even though I don’t know what to do to help us, I want you to know that I am here for you. I will do whatever it takes to help us work through our situation and make our marriage the best it can be.

I am invested in our relationship. Even though it might seem hopeless to you, I am believing our efforts will create an Extraordinary Marriage.

I want to be your support. Lean on me. Use my strength to help you. I am not going anywhere.

I am so sorry for your pain. I suffer when you suffer. And I want to help us heal.

I want to make myself a better person so we can have the best relationship possible.

I want to prove to you that you can trust me. Even if you believe that no one can be trusted, I am asking you to trust me. I vow to be a man of character that deserves to be trusted.

I offer you my best efforts. I cannot promise I won’t make mistakes, but I offer you my best. I am 100% invested in our relationship.

I want you to know that I believe you. Even if others question your story, I believe you and if you will share with me your struggles, I will listen and not judge. I want to share your journey. I want to be the one you lean on to keep going.

If you need me to hold you, I will. If you need to keep my distance, I will.

But know that I am by your side and promise not to leave. I will not give up on us.

You can count on me.

I love you, my precious wife.

___________________________________
(Your Signature)

YES!

I want to receive this pledge so I can sign it and share it with my wife.

We have 3 ways you can do that:

Print and sign it. Read and present it to your wife.

Or, gift her a Pledge Package:

Silver Pledge Package

Includes:

  • A copy of your pledge printed on beautiful paper, ready for you to sign

  • “Out of the River: A Parable about Empowerment, Freedom, and Truth” by Vicki

  • “Getting Out of the River,” a guide for identifying and being released from toxic beliefs, behaviors, situations, or relationships

  • A personalized letter from Vicki relating to your wife’s struggles and offering hope to work with you to create your extraordinary marriage

Gold Pledge Package

Includes:

  • Three, one-on-one 60 minute sessions with Vicki via Zoom.

  • A copy of your pledge printed on beautiful paper, ready for you to sign

  • “Out of the River: A Parable about Empowerment, Freedom, and Truth” by Vicki

  • “Getting Out of the River,” a guide for identifying and being released from toxic beliefs, behaviors, situations, or relationships

  • A personalized letter from Vicki relating to your wife’s struggles and offering hope to work with you to create your extraordinary marriage

Take advantage of Tom’s experience and success to give you support, clarity and direction.

During your FREE 30 minute Call,

  • Tom will help you get clear on your goals relating to your marriage and understanding yourself in this.
    He will diagnose the biggest obstacle stopping you.
  • You will know what you should focus on to move forward.
  • You’ll get his best recommendations for strategy and next steps.
  • Tom will give you his honest evaluation of what is possible and what your life can look like.

Book your free

Hope and Clarity Call

with Tom

Understanding and Clarity Coaching

for Husbands

Tom offers a 3 session coaching package for husbands wanting support and understanding as he navigates supporting his wife who has experienced past trauma.

During your Time with Tom, you will

  • Finally feel understood: Marriage is hard enough — and then add the dynamic of having a wife who has survived sexual abuse. 
  • Feel supported and grounded, maybe for the first time in your marriage.
  • Get clear on your responsibilities: Learn what might not be your fault, and how you can help your wife.