Better than I deserve?

So I was waiting outside to be let in to volunteer at our church.  Someone who had keys came by, said hello, and offered to unlock the door.  He asked the standard, “How are you” line and I said “Ok” and asked him how he was.  “Better than I deserve,”  he replied.  I got an immediate knot in my stomach and responded, “Well that’s not a very empowering statement.”  And his response sent my psyche spinning.  “Isn’t that true for all of us?”

WHAT?!?

OMG!!!!

I am not allowed to feel good?!?  I don’t deserve to have good days?!? What about me finally recognizing my amazingly awesome life and enjoying it?!? I get that I have sinned and that the Father allowed his Son to take the punishment for my sins so I may live with Them forever.  But I believe that we should be grateful for that and make the most of that love by enjoying our lives and not focusing on misery and sin.

I now have to counter that message as it reminds me of the breast-beating, negative self-talking, masochistic, pathetic attitudes that I cannot handle anymore.

I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE MOST HIGH KING!

I MATTER!  I MOST DEFINITELY MATTER!

GOD HAS A PLAN OF SHEER GOODNESS FOR ME!

I have worked really, really hard at digging new grooves in my brain, thinking positive and stopping the self sabotage.  I really need to be careful who I let influence my thinking, even if it is a leader in the church.

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