I’m going to share three things with you right now to help equip you to make your marriage amazing!
#1. Communication. You have got to talk to your husband. He is not a mind reader. It is so important because as a sexual abuse survivor, we are so triggered. We have so many things that can set us off and if we don’t communicate to our husband that it might be something he did or something he didn’t do or something somebody else did, but we got triggered, you’ve got to tell him. He’s actually on your side. He’s not the enemy. It actually took me a long time to realize that with my husband, but if I don’t communicate what is going on with me, he’s just watching me get triggered. I knew some things weren’t quite right with me all along, but that was normal for me, so how would I know that anything was weird.
I have little nuances of stuff, but I actually believe that it wasn’t time for me to remember. I didn’t have the support system around me to be able to handle the memories start coming back, and so they didn’t until I had that. I would be standing at the kitchen doing the dishes and he would come up behind me and just lovingly put his hands on my shoulders and I would get so startled. And he’d be like, “what? What did I do?” Well, as a sexual abuse survivor, if you are anything like me, you’re always kind of watching. And if somebody touches you and you’re not aware of it, it’s like, “oh my God!” I had to let him know that’s really hard for me and I need to see you before you touch my shoulder. I need to see you. Surprise like that doesn’t work for me.
So, communicating is so, so, so important! Also, communicating if it’s something that you got triggered by somebody else. “I’m so sorry I’m in a really funky way because I just heard a song that sent me to a place that was really hard for me to deal with.” Just communicating so that he understands what’s going on as much as he can is so important, because he can’t read your mind and he’s going to think it’s something that he did. He just needs to know that if I’m triggered or upset, it’s not really his fault and so that he can be reinforced in that. This is a whole huge struggle that three quarters of the marriages don’t have to deal with, right? We do, every day, and that’s why I’m sharing these tips with you, because I want my marriage to be strong.
I want it to be fulfilling and easy for both of us. So, communication #1!!
#2 Be appreciative of his efforts. Say thank you when he does something. “That is just so sweet and kind.” Be appreciative. Because let me tell you, it is so hard for them! You say for better or for worse at your wedding vows, but this is really worse sometimes. I want to empower you with this information so that it can be better more than worse. It’s our reality, right? Let him know that you know that it’s hard. Let him know that you’re sorry that it’s hard and thank him for his patience. That will go a long way, because he’s really trying –so you need to communicate, but then also thank him for the effort that he’s making if you notice. I got pretty triggered especially way in the beginning. I would thank my husband for just backing off of me physically. Just giving me my space and really, really being respectful of me and my body.
And I thanked him for that, often because it’s really hard. It’s hard for us, right? So, they’re on our side. They want what’s best for us, so thank them and let them know that you know it’s hard. Thank them for their efforts.
And find out his Love Language. Dr. Gary Chapman has this book called The 5 Love Languages. His website will give you an opportunity to fill out your profile and you can find out what your love languages are. If your husband’s love language is physical touch and yours is not, which if you’re a sexual abuse survivor, if it’s anything like me, it is not how I speak or hear love. So, I had to learn and heal so that I could speak love to him in the language that he understands, physical touch, I would work on that and I would try to rub his hand. I try to rub his shoulders. I try to sit next to him. When we’re in church, I’ll kind of lean my head on his shoulder. But you need to make efforts to find out what each other’s love language is, but you need to find his out and speak it to him, because you want him to know that you love and appreciate everything that he’s doing for you. Even if you can’t be physically intimate, even if you can’t be sexually intimate, it’s important for you to speak love to him in a language that he understands.
#3 Don’t give up! Keep working on your own healing. This is so important, because I know it’s hard. Oh my gosh, it’s so much work to try to clear all this crap, all these memories, all these triggers, and then new stuff comes up. It’s so important not to give up. But when you stay in communication with your partner and you appreciate his efforts, know that he can help support you in this, and that makes a world of difference, because he can help you on the journey and he’s with you on the journey.
So, keep trying. Keep looking for ways to clear it. I love tapping EFT, clinically proven mind body tool to help rewire your nervous system. Talk therapy is amazing with licensed counselors, but let me tell you, one of the biggest things that I used was EFT tapping, and I also use essential oils. All the benefits that essential oils holds. Whatever modality that you use, and you are led to, don’t give up, because let me tell you something, it gets easier. There’s hope on the other side. It’s all worth it. It’s so worth it. So, keep trying because, oh my gosh, we’ve been married 31 years now. Our marriage is amazing. We rarely argue. It takes very little effort to be in such a great place.
So, it’s so worth it. So I hope these tips helped you to equip you to have an amazing marriage. I am a certified EFT practitioner and a certified tapping into wealth coach. I have a ton of tools at my fingertips. My clients all over the world, in the United States and all over the globe are getting such amazing results working one on one with me because I have that perspective and I understand what it means to be a sexual abuse survivor, to be a wife, to be a mother, and what an amazing marriage and actually enjoy your life.
And I would love to offer the same to you. I would like to invite you to schedule a free hope and clarity call. It’s a free 30 minute call with me. We can figure out what your struggles are, what the challenges are, what you want your life to look like, and I can show you the possibilities of how you can get there. God bless you.
You found the man of your dreams, but things are harder than you thought they would be.
You are triggered when he is just showing his affection for you. Your temper goes from zero to 50 in a second. Maybe you struggle with money and your weight.
As a sexual abuse survivor, Vicki is committed to making her marriage the best it can be, and after years of painstaking struggle, she has figured out that working on herself makes her marriage so much easier and, dare we say, “almost effortless.”
Tom’s Plea to Wives
This message is for you wives from me. First of all, thank you that you are desiring and wanting to find a way past what happened to you and through it. I don’t know where I would be in my marriage right now if my wife Vicki, didn’t take those steps and have the desire to work through and beyond what had happened. And I will tell you, I have so much respect for her and I have so much respect for you for doing what you do. And I want to encourage you to not stop, because it works. I have seen the horrible effects of what the trauma has done to my wife and what it potentially could have done to our marriage and the difficulties that it did cause. But what always happened and what always was tried and true is that Vicki never quit.
Whenever I think about her and her journey in all of this, and our journey and all of this, is that Vicki never quit. She always tried to figure out to work on herself to learn how to heal and move forward. And in doing so it was the effect of that, not just for her but for her and me as a couple, as a married couple, and as parents raising our children, our seven children. Oh my gosh, to be able to do that properly without healing through, this wouldn’t have been able to work. So please have confidence that everything that you’re doing, all that you’re working on, everything that you want to figure out is positive. And I will tell you from my experience, the more that you do it, the more that Vicki did it, the more that I was able to watch and react and respond and realize how awesome it was … but also I was able to realize, oh my gosh, it works.
We can come past this, she can come past this, and we as a couple can move forward and don’t have to just be victims forever. We can be survivors, and not just survivors, but we can move forward and beyond and have a happy, beautiful, wonderful marriage and parenting time, and time together as we move forward that wouldn’t have existed before. And the other thing that came out of all Vicki’s hard work and that I hope would come out of your hard work is as I watched her work on herself, I realized you know what, I bet I have my own work to do. And I found that I did. And when I started digging in on myself and working through my situations, different from hers, but traumatic nonetheless, it allowed me to improve myself as a person.
Now we’re two people working on each other and on the marriage. How much quicker is that going to work and heal and to what degree is it going to get better when two people are working on themselves and then supporting each other in a process too? Oh my gosh, the sky is the limit is what can happen and how quickly it can happen when you don’t quit. So kudos and applause to you for everything you’re doing. Don’t stop. You’ve got our support and I hope you believe you have the support of your husband in it also. And always remember to keep working on yourself because you being the best version of yourself, it will allow you to be the person you need to be for others. So continue to work on yourself. Don’t stop, be hopeful. It will work. It does work. We’ve been there. We’re doing it, and it will be and make for you an extraordinary marriage. Absolutely. Congratulations on what you’re doing and keep up the hard work!
During your FREE 30 minute Call, Vicki will:
- Help you get clear on your goals relating to your marriage, money, health and even your spiritual life.
- Diagnose the biggest obstacle stopping you.
- Give you what you should focus on to move forward.
- Give her best recommendations for strategy and next steps.
- Give her honest evaluation of what is possible and what your life can look like.
Book Your Free Hope and Clarity Call with Vicki
Foundational Groundwork Call with Vicki
Our Foundational Groundwork Session sets the stage for your transformation. This session is hosted via ZOOM as we work together to take steps to move into the possibilities of what your life can look like.
During your 90 minutes, we will
- Honor your Wounding: No more pretending that it was “no big deal.” And no more being a victim. We are going to help you to #TakeBackYourPower.
- Explore the possibilities: How good can it really be? You’ll FEEL a difference.
- Learn a clinically proven mind-body tool that will calm your nervous system down allowing you to reduce your stress and make better decisions.